A Gentle Holiday Reflection: Finding Your Place in the 12 Stages of Christmas
- Dr Shungu Hilda M’gadzah
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
1.0 Introduction: A Space for Your Story
What does Christmas mean to you? For some, it is a time of pure celebration—joy, warmth, family, and twinkling lights. For others, the season is filled with grief, loneliness, exclusion, or deep pain. It can be a reminder of what’s missing, a tradition you don't celebrate, or even an idea that feels distant or absurd, especially if you find yourself in a place of turmoil or survival.
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This reflection introduces the "12 Stages of Christmas," a framework designed not as a scale for judgment, but as a gentle guide for self-awareness and self-compassion. Its purpose is to help you name where you are—in this moment, on this day—and find a small, meaningful way to care for yourself. This is a quiet space to acknowledge your own unique story, whatever it may be.
There is a place for your every feeling here.
2.0 Understanding the Stages: A Map of Our Feelings
The framework is a spectrum of emotional experiences, mapped across 13 distinct stages. It ranges from Stage -6 (Despair) to Stage +6 (Beacon of Change), with the pivotal point being Stage 0 (Awareness). Think of it as a map of our inner world during a complex time of year.
The map is built on two primary axes:
• The Negative Axis (-6 to -1): This is a space often defined by survival, grief, pain, and exclusion. It acknowledges the difficult and often invisible struggles that many people face during the holidays.
• The Positive Axis (+1 to +6): This is a space of connection, compassion, and gentle action. It marks a turn toward hope, empathy, and making a positive impact on the world around us.
This framework allows us to see the full picture of our emotional landscape, including both the light and the shadows.
Think of these stages as a theatrical lighting board. While many people focus only on the bright spotlights of celebration, understanding the full framework allows you to see the shadows and the dim corners of the stage. By learning how to adjust the sliders—moving from the "darkness" of isolation to the "brightness" of leadership—you can ensure that every person in the room eventually feels seen and included in the light.
With this map in mind, let's gently explore where you might find yourself this season. There is no right or wrong place to be.
3.0 Your Personal Reflection: Where Are You Today?
Read through the stages below. See if one resonates more than others. Your place on this map can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. The goal is simply to notice.
3.1 The Negative Axis: Acknowledging the Pain
🔻 Stage -6: Despair / Rejection
You feel abandoned and forgotten. Christmas means nothing. You're in survival mode and feel, "I’m just trying to survive."
• Does this feeling of being in survival mode resonate with you right now?
• A Gentle Action: Ask for help. Call a helpline. Go to a shelter. You are not alone.
🔻 Stage -5: Bitterness / Anger
You feel anger towards those who seem joyful. It feels unfair. You feel, "I’m tired of watching others celebrate."
• Does this sense of unfairness or anger feel familiar to you this season?
• A Gentle Action: Write out your anger. Your feelings are valid.
🔻 Stage -4: Isolation
You watch others celebrate from a distance. You don’t feel included or seen, and you feel, "I feel invisible."
• Does this experience of watching from the outside resonate with your own?
• A Gentle Action: Say hello to someone else who might be alone.
🔻 Stage -3: Pretending / Masking
You go through the motions. You smile for the camera, but it feels hollow. You feel, "I’m smiling through the pain."
• Are you finding yourself performing joy rather than feeling a real connection?
• A Gentle Action: Take off the mask. Be real with someone safe.
🔻 Stage -2: Cynicism
"It’s all fake. It’s all commercial." This is a shield against disappointment, and you feel, "It’s all fake anyway."
• Do you recognize this protective shield of cynicism in your own thoughts?
• A Gentle Action: Find one small thing that feels real.
🔻 Stage -1: Numbness / Resistance
You shut it down. "It’s just another day." You don't feel anything, perhaps because there’s too much pain to let it in.
• Have you found yourself shutting down or avoiding the season entirely?
• A Gentle Action: Try a sensory reset: warm drink, gentle music, touch something soft.
3.2 The Turning Point: The Stillness of Noticing
⚪ Stage 0: Awareness
You pause. You begin to notice and reflect on your relationship with the season. You feel, "I’m just noticing how I feel."
• Can you take a moment, right now, to simply notice how you feel without judgment?
• A Gentle Action: Pause. Light a candle. Journal.
3.3 The Positive Axis: Opening to Connection
🟢 Stage +1: Willingness
You open the door—just a little. You listen and let in a small spark of hope. You feel, "Maybe I can do one thing."
• Is there a small part of you that is willing to open up to a gentle, positive action?
• A Gentle Action: Take a walk. Send a kind message.
🟢 Stage +2: Curiosity
You learn how others celebrate—through different faiths, cultures, and ways of being. You think, "I want to understand others."
• Are you open to learning how this season holds different meanings for different people?
• A Gentle Action: Ask, "What does this season mean to you?"
🟢 Stage +3: Compassion
You see the pain and the joy. You notice who might be hurting and reach out. You feel, "I see both joy and pain."
• Can you hold space for both the happiness and the hardship that exist right now?
• A Gentle Action: Reach out to someone hurting.
🟢 Stage +4: Empathy / Inclusion
You act. You include. You make space and use this season to build bridges. You feel, "I want to make space for everyone."
• Do you feel a call to actively include others and invite in different voices?
• A Gentle Action: Include different voices. Be an ally.
🟢 Stage +5: Leadership
You create spaces of belonging—not just at Christmas, but all year round. You feel, "I’m trying to hold it all."
• Are you in a position to help others feel seen and to model healthy boundaries?
• A Gentle Action: Model rest & boundaries. Lead softly.
🟢 Stage +6: Beacon of Change
You embody the heart of the season and feel a desire to transform the world, giving not just gifts, but hope, peace, justice, and love.
• Do you feel a deep desire to embody a spirit of transformative love and justice in the world?
• A Gentle Action: Remember: sustainable change starts with small, loving acts. Keep your heart open, but protected.
4.0 Building Resilience with Compassion
Wherever you have placed yourself on this map, the most important next step is one of kindness. The holiday season can be a time of light, but also a time of pressure, loneliness, or pain. Building resilience helps us stay grounded, no matter what stage we are in.
Protecting Your Peace
Take a moment to ask yourself these three questions:
• What do I need to protect my peace?
• How can I stay connected — to myself, to others, or to meaning?
• Who can I check in on — and who can check in on me?
Let’s offer ourselves and each other some grace. Let’s name where we are. Let’s choose one small act — to survive, to soothe, or to share.
5.0 Conclusion: Building Bridges of Empathy
Understanding these stages is not just a tool for self-reflection; it is a foundation for building empathy. It helps us see beyond our own experience and recognize the diverse realities of those around us.
The haunting line from the 1984 Band Aid song still echoes: "Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?"
But perhaps the better, more empathetic question for us to ask today is:
"Do we see who’s left out?"
Whether you’re dancing, grieving, praying, connecting, or simply trying to make it through—may this season hold space for your story. And may we each find ways to build bridges of empathy this Christmas.
Even small ones.
Especially small ones.
A minimalist vertical infographic showing the 12 Stages of Christmas as a coloured scale, ranging from red (-6) to green (+6), with actions for each stage. Decorative icons and soft gradients reinforce the emotional progression.
Dr Shungu H. M’gadzah: Inclusion Psychologists Ltd. Copyright: © 2025
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